1-A few thoughts from George Carlin..., , 1) Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things., 2) One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor., 3) Atheism is a nonprophet organization., 4) If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and, apes?, 5) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad, girls live., 6) I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help, section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose., 7) Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't, going as ghosts but as mattresses?, 8) If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?, 9) If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is, no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong?, 10) If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is, it considered a hostage situation?, 11) Is there another word for synonym?, 12) Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?", 13) Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?", 14) What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered, plant?, 15) If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?, 16) Would a fly without wings be called a walk?, 17) Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will, clean them?, 18) If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?, 19) Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?, 20) Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?, 21) If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to, remain silent?, 22) Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?, 23) How do blind people know when they are done wiping?, 24) How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?, 25) Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?, 26) What was the best thing before sliced bread?, 27) I'm not schizophrenic. You only think we are., 28. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?, 29. How is it possible to have a civil war?, 30. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?, 31. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?, 32. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?, 33. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?, 34. If the "blackbox" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane, crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?, 35. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?, 36. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they, all still working?, 37. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?, 38. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become, disoriented?

2-MJ

Dyslexics have more fnu, Clones are people two, Entropy isn't what it used to be, Microbiology Lab -: Staph Only!, Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses, Eschew obfuscation, 186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!, Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor, Anything free is worth what you pay for it, Atheism is a non-prophet organization, COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage, Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?, Editing is a rewording activity, Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy, I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure, My reality check just bounced, Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art, What if there were no hypothetical questions?, Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery, No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway, Boycott shampoo... Demand REAL poo!, IRS - Be audit you can be

3-Ultimate Truisms, , A day without sunshine is like, night., Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't., Honk if you love peace and quiet., Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool., He who laughs last, thinks slowest., The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese., I intend to live forever - so far, so good., Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of., Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have., The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes., When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane,, going the wrong way., Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it., For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism., He who hesitates is probably right., No one is listening until you make a mistake., Success always occurs in private and failure in full view., The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it., The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to, reach it., To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is, research., To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your, principles., You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive., (OR GOLF!), The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up., A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory., If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never, tried before., A fool and his money are soon partying., Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow., Always try to be modest. And be proud of it!, If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple, of payments., How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands..., Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals.", Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener., Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned., Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks., Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back., Half the people you know are below average., 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name., 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot., A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts, feel so good., Plan for the future, but live in the present moment. It's the, only life you have., Success is a journey, not a destination, enjoy the trip!, Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness, has genius, power, and magic in it. --Goethe, ,

4-Fun Signs, , In a Tokyo Hotel:, Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis., , In a Bucharest hotel lobby:, The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. , , In a Belgrade hotel elevator:, To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. , , In a Paris hotel elevator:, Please leave your values at the front desk. , , In a hotel in Athens:, Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily. , , In a Yugoslavian hotel:, The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. , , In a Japanese hotel:, You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. , , In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery:, You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. , , On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:, Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. , , Outside a Hong Kong tailer shop:, Ladies may have a fit upstairs. , , In a Bangkok dry cleaners:, Drop your trousers here for best results. , , In a Rhodes tailor shop:, Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation., , A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:, It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. , , In a Zurich hotel:, Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. , , In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:, Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. , , In a Rome laundry: , Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. , , In a Czechoslovakin tourist agency:, Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages. , , Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:, Would you like to ride on your own ass? , , In a Swiss mountain inn:, Special today -- no ice cream. , , In a Bangkok temple:, It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. , , In a Tokyo bar:, Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. , , In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:, We take your bags and send them in all directions. , , In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:, Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. , , In a Budapest zoo:, Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. , , In the office of a Roman doctor:, Specialist in women and other diseases. , , In an Acapulco hotel:, The manager has personally passed all the water served here. , , From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:, Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. , , From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:, When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. , , Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:, English well speaking , Here speeching American.

5-Resume Mistakes, , How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some real-life examples: , "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting." , "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store." , "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet." , "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse." , "I am a rabid typist." , "Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side." , "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business." , "Proven ability to track down and correct errors." , "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far." , "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one." , "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me." , "Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer." , "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers." , "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteroology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." , "I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant." , "I am loyal to my employer at all costs . Please feel free to resond to my resume on my office voicemanil." , "Qualifications: No education or experience." , "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets." , "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department." , "Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!" , Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

6-Computer one-liners , A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation. , According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist. , A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord. , A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken. , Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. , A hacker does for love what others would not do for money. , Air conditioned environment - Do NOT open Windows! , All computers wait at the same speed. , All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? , All you need to know is the user interface. , Alpha. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work." , Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used. , Any program that runs right is obsolete. , A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom. , A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light. A program is never finished until the programmer dies. , ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! , As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. , A user friendly computer first requires a friendly user. , A user will find any interface design intuitive...with enough practice. , Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic , Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat [Y/N]? , Be aware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. , Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression , Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work." , BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding , Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature. , Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it. , Buy a Pentium 586/200 so you can reboot faster. , Cannot load Windows 95, Incorrect DOS Version.

COFFEE.EXE Missing---Insert Cup and Press Any Key. , Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source. , Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want." , Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying. , Computer programmers do it byte by byte. , Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit. , Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you'd have to do without them. , Computers are like air-conditioners: both stop working, if you open windows. , Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. , Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. , Computers can never replace human stupidity. , Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow. , Computers follow your orders, not your intentions. , A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do. , Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. , Crashing is the only thing windows does quickly. , Real programs don't eat cache.

Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean? , Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors. , Disinformation is not as good as datinformation. , Don't compute and drive; the life you save may be your own. , Don't document the program; program the document. , Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. , Don't let the computer bugs bite! , DOS=HIGH? I knew it was on something! , Meets quality standards: Compiles without errors. , DOS Tip #1: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS , DOS Tip #2: Add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS , My sister gave up on Computing Dating after she was stood up by two mainframes, a mini, and a laptop. , Email returned to sender -- insufficient voltage. , If it was easy, the hardware people would take care of it. , Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... , Error:015: Unable to exit Windows. Try the door. , Machine-independent: Does not run on any existing machine. , Portable: Survives system reboot. , Old mail has arrived. , Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) , Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I... , An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. , Kiss your keyboard goodbye! , People who deal with bits should expect to get bitten. , Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.

Every bug you find is the last one. , Every time I type 'win', I loose ... , Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven. , .....File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) , For any problem there is a solution that is simple, quick, and ultimately worse than the problem. , Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. , Hi, my name is Any Key. Please don't hit me! , Hiroshima..45........Tjernobil..86........Windows..95.... , Hit any user to continue. , Home is where the computer is plugged in. , How an engineer writes a program: Start by debugging an empty file... , I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator. , If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0. , If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station? , Any given program will expand to fill available memory. , If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports.

I finally made my stupid computer faster; I dropped it out of the window, and it went really fast. , If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce today would cost $100, get, a million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. , If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax? , If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button. , Breakthrough: It finally booted on the first try. , I have a dream: 1073741824 bytes free. , I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere. , I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control! , Diagnostics are the programs that run when nothing else will! , I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. , In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would take many men many months to equal it. , Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking. , It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. , If a program is useful, it must be changed. , If a program is useless, it must be documented. , It said "Insert disk 3..." but only 2 fit. , It's not a bug; it's an undocumented feature. , It works! Now if only I could remember what I did... , The less time planning, the more time programming. , I wish life has a scroll back buffer. , The only thing good about "standards" in computer science is that there are so many to choose from.

Keyboard : Instrument used to enter errors into computer. , Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. - D. Gries , Keyboard not connected, press to continue. , MACINTOSH stands for Most Applications Crash If Not The Operating System Hangs. , Unprecedented performance: Nothing ever ran this slow before. , Programming is an art form that fights back. , Programming is an unnatural act. , Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse. , Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed... , The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. , Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(ln(13e))]-[sin(xy)/2.362x] , Disc space, the final frontier! , Controlling complexity is the essence of computer programming. - Kernigan , Melted fruit snacks found on Keyboard. Delete nephew [Y/N]? , MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software is Only for Fools and Teenagers. , Mommy! The cursor's winking at me! , My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. , Never say "OOPS!" always say "Ah, Interesting!" , No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier. , Of course I know how to copy disks. Where's the xerox machine? , One person's error is another person's data. , One picture is worth 128K words. , Operator! Trace this call and tell me where I am. , God is real, unless declared integer.

Owners of digital watches: Your day's are numbered! , Press any key...no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! , Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... , Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue.... , Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN. , Programmer's Time-Space Continuum: Programmers continuously space the time. , RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure. , Reference Manual: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg. , Scheduled Release Date: A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six, months from it. , Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte! , Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope) , Speed Kills! Use Windows 95. , Hackers have kernel knowledge. , System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing. , Tandy - you can buy better, but you can't pay more. , The definition of an upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

<-------- The information went data way ---------> , The name is Baud......, James Baud. , The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong. , The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'. , The Queue Principle: The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line. , There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday. , There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works. , I came, I saw, I deleted all your files. , There can never be a computer language in which you cannot write a bad program. , There were computers in Biblical times. Eve had an Apple. , These settings will have no effect until you restart the system., Reset Universe (Y/N) ? , Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK! , To be, or not to be, those are the parameters. , To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. , User error: replace user and press any key to continue. , Warning, keyboard not found. Press Enter to continue.

What boots up must come down. , Who's General Failure and why's he reading my disk? , Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!" , Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. , Why do they call this a word processor? It's simple, ... you've seen what food processors do to food, right? , Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users? , Will the information superhighway have any rest stops? , Windows 3.1 not found: (C)heer, (P)arty, (D)ance? , Windows is NOT a virus. Viruses DO something. , WINDOWS stands for Will Install Needless Data On Whole System. , Windows: the ultimate triumph of marketing over technology. , You are making progress if each mistake is a new one. , You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer. , You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you'll need that version. , You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it! , You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.

7-Things You Learn about Computers from Movies, , 1. Word processors never display a cursor. , 2. You never have to use the space bar when typing long sentences. , 3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters. , 4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces. , 5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English. , 6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard. , 7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in, humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors. , 8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off. , 9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't, go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen. , 10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of, sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. (See #7, above) , 11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. , 12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries. , 13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. , 14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per, second. , 15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building. , 16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file -- and there are no, undelete utilities. , 17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it. , 18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms. , 19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled. , 20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability. , 21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY-MP. , 22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face. , 23. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress. , 24. Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.

8-F-Test, , Read this sentence:, FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-, SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-, IC STUDY COMBINED WITH, THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

Now count the F's in that sentence. , Count them ONLY ONCE: , do not go back and count them again. , See below...,

ANSWER:, There are six F's in the sentence. A person of average, intelligence finds three of them. If you spotted four,, you're above average. If you got five, you can turn, up your nose at most anybody. If you caught six,, you are a genius. There is no catch. Many people, forget the "OF"'s. The human brain tends to see them, as V's and not F's. , Pretty weird, huh?

DILBERT'S RULES OF ORDER, , 1- I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day., Tomorrow is not looking good either., , 2- I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they, make as they go flying by., , 3- Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along, without it. , , 4- Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the , statue. , , 5- Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't , there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them , again. , , 6- I don't have an hatitude problem, you have a perception problem. , , 7- My reality check bounced. , , 8- On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. , , 9- I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier. , , 10- You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through , peanut butter. , , 11- Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are , crunchy and taste good with ketchup. , , 12- Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. , , 13- Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, , then beat you with experience. , , 14- Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be , promoted. , , 15- After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of , the month than you did before. , , 16- The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going , to get. , , 17- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry , a clipboard. , , 18- People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. , , 19- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. , , 20- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Happy Friendship Week!

, If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following:, There would be:, 57 Asians, 21 Europeans, 14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south, 8 Africans, 52 would be female, 48 would be male, 70 would be non-white, 30 would be white, 70 would be non-Christian, 30 would be Christian, 89 would be heterosexual, 11 would be homosexual, 6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth and all 6 would be, from the United States., 80 would live in substandard housing, 70 would be unable to read, 50 would suffer from malnutrition, 1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth, 1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education, 1 would own a computer, When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective, the need, for acceptance, understanding and education becomes glaringly apparent., The following is also something to ponder..., If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...you are more, blessed than the million who will not survive this week., If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of, imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ...you are, ahead of 500 million people in the world., If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest,, torture, or death...you are more blessed than three billion people in the, world., If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof, overhead and a place to sleep...you are richer than 75% of this world., If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, If your parents are still alive and still married ... you are very rare,, even in the United States and Canada.

How to keep a healthy level of sanity.

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair, dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. , 2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. , 3) Insist that your e mail address is: XenaWarriorPrincess@companyname.com, or Elvis the King@companyname , 4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with, that. , 5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair, dancing. , 6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN." , 7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. , 8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over, their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. , 9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.' , 10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think." , 11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy." , 12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up, the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way. , 13) Don't use any punctuation. , 14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk. , 15) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer. , 16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." , 17) Sing along at the opera. , 18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. , 19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear, them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your >, >boss is of the opposite gender.) , 20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing., For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3." , 21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds, all day. , 22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party, because you're not in the mood. , 23) Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything. , 24) Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard. , 25) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream , 26) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!", 27) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to, have to let one of you go." , 28) Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!" , And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.... , 29). Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it, to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.,