Clear sailing with Ken Grantman, circa 1983.
Exposed: The man who really runs the ship.
If you're like most innocents, you probably think the Captain is the master of his ship. It is my sad duty to inform you that such is not the case.
The man who pull all the strings is an anonymous chap whose name is never printed in any cruise line brochure or daily program. In fact, the fellow who arranges everything on board is seldom, if ever at all, even an employee of the shipping line.
Who he is? Well, you'll see him before you even Set foot on the ship. He follows you around everywhere. And he spends a lot of time in dark rooms.
Enough hints. The finger is on the ship's photographer.
It's the glass-eyed czar of the waves who dictates boarding over a two-hours stretch, just so he can leisurely snap away, carefully misframing each victim in a crudely designed backdrop.
Consider, how long does it take to board a 747? Fifteen minutes? Obviously all of the up-front check in procedures are just thinly disguised stalling tactics.
And on every ship I've sailed, the lifeboat drill that was supposed to have started before diner is invariably delayed until the following morning, when the light is better.*1
One cruise ritual never delayed is the Captain's welcome aboard cocktail party, a formal affair accompanied by Champagne cocktails, stiff speeches and perma-pressed smiles.
Can you really, for a moment, believe that on the second night out the Captain actually wants to personally shake the hands with each of a thousand perfect strangers?
Not on your life. The captain risks his good right hand to the firm grippers, sweaty-palmed and long-nailed for the sole benefit of the photographer. His eyes endure a thousand electronic flashes, his ears numb to a thousand "glad to meet you" and his smile outlast the never-ending queue of black-tied and plunging-necklined landlubbers only in the hope that the film will run out before he does.
And later, passengers who waited half an hour to shake the Captain's hand will wait two hours to buy the photo of them shaking the Captain's hand. And they'll wait another 20 minutes for the correct change.
And though Captains can no longer perform marriages at sea, the photographers can cruelly separate couples at key moments to have two photos for sale. That's if you're lucky. He can also snap you with someone else's sweetheart and guess which photo never comes off the display boards? *3
Shipboard entertainment, particularly the audience participation variety, is scheduled for the convenience of the wide-angle wizard. Photographers do not, as rumoured, actually hire the cruise directors. But they exercise complete control over the program so that two photo events never compete.*2 When's the last time you saw pool side contests scheduled at the same time as the passenger fashion show?
Many ships these days employ several orchestras for dance music. Which means that one weary Captain must make the rounds, following the photographer, of several lounges and clubs, ending in near-exhaustion at the disco. Not even Captain Ahab could escape. But dance he must, and always on the periphery of the floor where Mr. Shutter can catch the action with his cash register on a neck strap.
this all has a disturbing effect on the Captain. On our ship, I came across the Master of the vessel taking his sundown stroll around Sun Deck. He greeted me cordially, almost as if I were a long-lost friend. But when he spotted my camera, he sprinted the length of the ship, bounced up two ladders, and scrambled for the refuge of the bridge, shrieking all the way. Truly he was a shaken man.
But there's a happy ending to this story. That same Captain, I have heard from reliable sources, gained access to the photographer vault-like darkroom one afternoon and switched all the labels on all the chemicals. After three successive batches of blank film, the colour prints prince, reduced to a negative nitwit, ate his safelight while it was still plugged in. *4 The darkroom, which had always the best climate controls and creature comforts, has been converted into the Captain's study-cum-studio. Once again the Master of his vessel, he paints. Watercolours, of course.

* Notes from me, Christian Fournier, professional photographer on cruise ships on/off 1980-1993:
- *1 Nothing to do with the photographers, Maritime Law always prevails and we have lots of flash-guns and so can even shoot in complete darkness, like inside a cocktail party lounge!
- *2 No, this is obviously so that the passengers can enjoy both events.
- *3 I don't think the photographers would purposely shot photos that have no chance of selling.
- *4 I have never heard that story!