Monty Python The Argument Sketch
A man walks into an office. Man: (Michael Palin) Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.
Receptionist: Certainly sir. Have you been here before? Man: No, this is my first time. Receptionist: I see.
Well, do you want to have the full argument, or were you thinking of taking a course? Man: Well, what would be the cost? Receptionist: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten. Man: Well, I think it's probably best if I start with the one and then see how it goes from there, okay? Receptionist: Fine. I'll see who's free at the moment. (Pause)
Receptionist: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12. Man: Thank you.

(Walks down the hall. Opens door.) Angry man: WHADDAYOU WANT? Man: Well, Well, I was told outside that... Angry man: DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS! Man: What? A: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS TOFFEE-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!! M: Yes, but I came here for an argument!! A: OH! Oh! I'm sorry! This is abuse! M: Oh! Oh I see! A: Aha! No, you want room 12A, next door. M: Oh...Sorry... A: Not at all! A: (under his breath) stupid git.

(The man goes into room 12A. Another man is sitting behind a desk.) Man: Is this the right room for an argument? Other Man:(John Cleese) I've told you once. Man: No you haven't! Other Man: Yes I have. M: When? O: Just now. M: No you didn't! O: Yes I did! M: You didn't! O: I did! M: You didn't! O: I'm telling you, I did! M: You did not! O: Oh I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour? M: Ah! (taking out his wallet and paying) Just the five minutes. O: Just the five minutes. Thank you. O: Anyway, I did. M: You most certainly did not! O: Now let's get one thing quite clear: I most definitely told you! M: Oh no you didn't! O: Oh yes I did! M: Oh no you didn't! O: Oh yes I did! M: Oh no you didn't! O: Oh yes I did! M: Oh no you didn't! O: Oh yes I did! M: Oh no you didn't! O: Oh yes I did! M: Oh no you didn't! O: Oh yes I did! M: No you DIDN'T! O: Oh yes I did! M: No you DIDN'T! O: Oh yes I did! M: No you DIDN'T! O: Oh yes I did! M: Oh look, this isn't an argument! (pause) O: Yes it is! M: No it isn't! (pause) M: It's just contradiction! O: No it isn't! M: It IS! O: It is NOT! M: You just contradicted me! O: No I didn't! M: You DID! O: No no no! M: You did just then! O: Nonsense! M: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!! (pause) O: No it isn't! M: Yes it is! (pause) M: I came here for a good argument! O: AH, no you didn't, you came here for an argument! M: An argument isn't just contradiction. O: Well! it CAN be! M: No it can't! M: An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition. O: No it isn't! M: Yes it is! 'tisn't just contradiction. O: Look, if I *argue* with you, I must take up a contrary position! M: Yes but it isn't just saying 'no it isn't'. O: Yes it is! M: No it isn't! O: Yes it is! M: No it isn't! O: Yes it is! M: No it ISN'T! Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says. O: It is NOT! M: It is! O: Not at all! M: It is! (The Arguer hits a bell on his desk and stops.) O: Thank you, that's it. M: (stunned) What? O: That's it. Good morning. M: But I was just getting interested! O: I'm sorry, the five minutes is up. M: That was never five minutes just now!! O: I'm afraid it was. M: (leading on) No it wasn't..... O: I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more. M: WHAT?? O: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes. M: But that was never five minutes just now! Oh Come on! Oh this is... This is ridiculous! O: I told you... I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you PAY! M: Oh all right. (takes out his wallet and pays again.) There you are. O: Thank you. M: (clears throat) Well... O: Well WHAT? M: That was never five minutes just now. O: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid! M: Well I just paid! O: No you didn't! M: I DID!!! O: YOU didn't! M: I DID!!! O: YOU didn't! M: I DID!!! O: YOU didn't! M: I DID!!! O: YOU didn't! M: I don't want to argue about it! O: Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay! M: Ah hah! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing??? Ah HAAAAAAHHH! Gotcha! O: No you haven't! M: Yes I have! If you're arguing, I must have paid. O: Not necessarily. I *could* be arguing in my spare time. M: I've had enough of this! O: No you haven't. M: Oh shut up! (Man leaves the office)




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